remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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