Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
