My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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