Why does Corona taste like a burp?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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