Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
