Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
