Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
