Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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