you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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