Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
