Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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