i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
