you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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