Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
