in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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