when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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