just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
