Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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