Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Someone signed my nipple.
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