he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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