apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
