is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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