The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
