Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
