How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
