Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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