Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
