I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
