I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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