I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
