she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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