its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
