Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
