Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
