yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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