I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
