I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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