"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Randomize
