remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
