Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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