dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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