Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
