I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
