I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
