A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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