i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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