I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
