Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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