Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
