I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
