so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
