There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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