I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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